the signs with their children

Aries: “ah yes..6 months..the perfect age to start boxing classes”
Taurus: [uses a baby-carrier on their teenager]
Gemini: “listen buddy, i don’t care what you did at preschool imma bout to tell you about MY day.”
Cancer: rushes their kid to the hospital after a stubbed toe
Leo: is prepared to physically fight their child’s bullies
Virgo: [pulls out a calculus textbook] “story time.”
Libra: the mom in “stacy’s mom”
Scorpio: “a lullaby? alright baby….bitches aint shit and they aint sayin nothin..a hundred mutha fuckas…”
Sagittarius: [newborn vomits on them] “what the…i did not raise you to be like this”
Capricorn: “beautiful baby right? well. not as beautiful as me know, we can’t all be so blessed.”
Aquarius: [burns their kids hw] “you dont need this..its all up to the system….listen, there’s a rebellion coming”
Pisces: [sees their baby sleeping] “what an asshole..why tf cant that be me?”

oh my god my father is so sweet and so generous but he just bought me a welcome mat as a present and it’s hideous.

it’s a print of pastel neon flip flops and it says welcome in an Arial type font.

it would be real great if I was an elderly retiree.

oh god I don’t want to get rid of it BUT I REALLY WANT TO GET RID OF IT.

who would like a free welcome mat?

things the signs don’t want you to know


Aries – they really don’t like working. they’d rather just sleep. they do it just so they can brag about getting 100% on a test you failed and rub it in your face.

Taurus – they struggle to find balance in nearly every situation and that makes them feel stupid. they can’t seem to function independently no matter how hard they try.

Gemini – they only talk shit to seem cool. deep down, they just want to seem intimidating so no one fucks with them.

Cancer – they cry less than you’d expect. they do it mentally for the most part. they want you to think they’re inferior so they can surprise you by revealing their true form, which is the actually the evilest thing ever.

Leo – sweet when they want to be and surprisingly not self absorbed assholes for the most part. in fact a lot of them are super insecure but mask it with false pride. you’re welcome.

Virgo – they dont think they’re perfect. actually, they envy everyone else around them. they like you to think they love themselves so they don’t seem insecure, because they hate it when people judge.

Libra – is actually scared to flirt and put themselves out there. they’re pretty bland but wanna make it seem like they aren’t by making bold choices. true sweethearts, though.

Scorpio – they’re not that evil. they like you to think so, but they are kind of chicken shits and won’t do much if you anger them except cry about it in secrecy at home.

Sagittarius – they aren’t that in love with the concept of never settling down. they like the idea of not being tied down, but at the same time they really want to find the right one.

Capricorn – they feel inadequate a lot. they work really hard to prove to everyone they’re capable of handling things on their own but they could really use some help. they’ll deny every time you offer, though.

Aquarius – isn’t as weird as you’d hope for them to be. they feel like they have to live up to the mystery but in reality they’re honestly pretty normal and are in touch with their emotions. they just don’t want you to know that.

Pisces – they actually aren’t happy all the time, they’re actually unhappy a lot. everyone always fucks pisces over but they keep smiling cause they don’t want to seem boring to be around. libra x2



aries: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

taurus: uwu

gemini: ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

cancer: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

leo: ★~(◠‿◕✿)

virgo: ಠ_ಠ

libra: ┻━┻ ︵ ¯(ツ)/¯ ︵ ┻━┻

scorpio: (⊙‿⊙✿)

sagittarius: ✧・゚:*✧・゚:* (◕ω◕✿)/ *:・゚✧*:・゚✧

capricorn: ┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ)

aquarius: (☞゚∀゚)☞

pisces: (◡‿◡✿)